closed-eyes

When I Close My Eyes

When I close my eyes I see myself dancing around my room getting dressed for the morning.
When I close my eyes, I’m back in my dream job, working my daily 9-5.

When I open my eyes I’m still stuck in this bed with a nightstand full of pill bottles.
When I open my eyes I watch the same shows on Netflix that I’ve seen a million times.

But when my eyes are closed I’m backpacking through Europe with my husband.
When my eyes are closed I’m doing cartwheels and handstands through grassy fields.

But when my eyes are open I am going to the same doctors appointments.
When my eyes are open I get my weekly injections and pray for no side effects.

When I fall asleep at night I dream of the life I could have had, would have had, should have had.
But the truth is, when I fall asleep at night I thrash and groan and cry.
When I fall asleep at night I dream I’m healthy. But I don’t have to wake up to know I’m not.

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BoxofDreams

Box of Dreams

Good Morning, Lovelies!

As you know, I’ve just moved into an apartment for mobility reasons. While putting things away in their new, proper homes I’ve come across things that were just heartbreaking to see again.

No, I’m not talking about old photographs or home movies.. I’m talking about my Teaching Portfolio, Flute, Kids Books, and more.

These things from a life I thought I was going to have but is no longer in view. These artifacts are now in Courtney’s Box of Dreams… hidden far beneath bins in the back of my (walk-in!) closet.

When I was in grade school my best friend was in the school’s band so I decided to try out for it and really began loving the flute. I loved it so much my mom bought me my own flute! Things were going well with the flute until cancer kicked my butt and I was no longer able to play. I could never get enough breath to practice while on chemotherapy and when I rejoined my classmates for year 2 of high school the band teacher was not interested in helping me catch up to where I needed to be. I was so disappointed and now the flute is buried in my box of dreams.

Along with my flute is something even more painful to look at… my teaching supplies. I have huge Rubbermaid bins absolutely full of teaching supplies. These include crayons, text books, curriculum books, pocket charts, bulletin boards, binders of lesson plans, stickers and so much more. I ended up giving a lot to my sister who is an Educational Assistant, but it breaks my heart beyond words. This was a career I worked so hard to achieve and now my thousands of dollars worth of supplies are of little use to me in this condition.

All of my Educational Assistant supplies are buried in drawers. I’m not sure why I hold on to them when I am painfully aware that I will never be able to do that job successfully again. My back just won’t allow for it; but I can’t give them up. Working with kids with special needs is my passion, beyond anything else.

So what do I do now? Wallow in my broken dreams? That doesn’t sound like me.

Instead, I am creating a new passion. A new dream. Courtney’s Desk of Dreams, if you will.

In our new home I am getting my very own desk and on that desk I will write. I will colour. And I will do something I haven’t mentioned before now.. I will Vlog!

Once my precious desk is set up exactly to my specifications I will begin Vlogging! This is something I’ve never done before and I am extremely nervous about the situation but also thrilled and excited! I’ve never so much as posted a video on YouTube before so this is bound to be an interesting experience for us all!

It’s not about wallowing in what could have been. It’s about making the choice to find a new passion and a new dream. And you are all part of mine!

Thank you for being my purpose! Thank you for caring enough to read my words and connect with my feelings!

Thank you for always being there for me and helping me see what I can do instead of focusing on what I am no longer capable of.

And if you ever need anything, please let me be there for you too!

Love,

Courtney

 

 

***** This cover art is done by The Psych Scrivener*****

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