Do You Remember?

As a rule, the memory of a Spoonie can be somewhat unreliable. Brain fog is no joke, people.

But try for a moment, to remember what life was like before everything changed. Can you remember a time where you did not need help arising from bed or a chair? Was there a day you can look back on where sleep came easily and you were not nauseated?  Is there a day you can recall when life was easier than it is now? When was the moment everything went downhill?

What happened and why?

If one more person says “everything happens for a reason” or “God only gives you what you can handle” or “it could be worse” I might just lose my mind.

But, could they be right?

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I wish I had come up with this term. I wish I could take credit for this. But I can’t. There was a post going around for a while with a name attached but I am unable to locate it currently. Nevertheless, it is a real thing.

I’ve written before about how absolutely angry I get because the pain won’t let me do things I am desperate to do. I want to scream and throw things and smash walls but I can’t do those things because I am trapped inside this stupid, useless, broken body. It is absolutely maddening and all I want is to throw a ginormous temper tantrum because it’s not fair at all! Read More

Who is This Girl?

Hello My Loves!

I am so sorry I’ve been completely MIA lately. It has been a rough week filled with Pain Management Programs, MRI’s, and a horrible cold that had me knocked out on Robitussin. Before I get too into this post I finally updated the Song of the Week page and it is a really good one to (hopefully) make up for the fact that it is almost a week late!

So, back to the good stuff. There’s this post going around on social media that rings especially true for me, and I’m sure most other Spoonies:  Read More

Things I Don’t Want to Say

Good Morning, Lovies!

I have an appointment with my surgeon in about 3 hours. He will tell me if I need another surgery.. or he will tell me that there’s nothing he can do for me. I’m not sure which option scares me more.

Last night was the hardest one in a while. There were not enough medications to keep my pain stable and tears were unstoppable.

I’m sure that was due to a mix of stress and the oncoming rain… but either way I am not doing so hot today. Amidst the pain and anxiety my emotions have been all over the place and my brain is beginning to think things I do not want to deal with at the moment.

I think the only way to accept the situation and feelings is to share them- because I doubt I’m alone in them. Read More

Emotional Penguins

Sometimes there are no words available for what you’re feeling.

I have a hard time expressing myself occasionally, especially with the overwhelming emotions that come with chronic illnesses. I can be happy, sad, worried, anxious, excited, and full of despair all at the same time. As you can see, this gets rather complicated when someone asks “how are you feeling today?” There’s no straightforward answer to that. We all, I assume, just say “fine” and move on. But are we ever really fine?  Read More