Good Afternoon 🙂
As per usual on Mondays, please check out Song of the Week for some upbeat tunes.
Today I was thinking about what I would say to past Courtney to help her along her way to where she is now. I had a whole letter written before I realized something; nothing could have prepared me for this. Yes, I know some things now that past me could have benefited from but I don’t think the answers to that grade 11 math test would have impacted the future in any great way. Who are we kidding, I still don’t know the answers.
If I had known this is where I would end up I might have lived a baby proofed life instead of the full one I had enjoyed up until this point. Or I might have taken riskier chances that could have had horrible consequences thinking “ah well, I’d be messed up later anyway.” The truth is that everything I have ever done, no matter how embarrassing or painful, has led me to exactly where I am now. And while I am certainly struggling health wise, I am completely blessed personally with my friends and family.
As I was writing the letter to past me I was thinking a lot about what I was like on chemotherapy for the two and a half years I battled leukemia. I was bald, pale, sick and weak looking I thought. I hardly let anyone take photos of me during that time and hated how I looked like a cancer patient. But I was a cancer patient, and bald, and pale… but I was not weak.
Now, being sick again, albeit a different kind of sick, I am looking at the world completely differently. I have the ability to chat with people around the world with multitudes of illnesses and see their bravery. I am one of them. I am brave too. I am but one of millions and millions, but I can still make a difference.
This new view on life is thanks to my old, sick self. Past Courtney was not weak. She was a warrior. And I learned from her.
My husband sent me a photo he found about something called kintsukuroi, which is the art of filling the cracks in pottery with gold. This thinking is that the piece is more beautiful now, after having been broken.
I really fell in love with this idea, because if I had never been past Courtney, that cancer patient, that warrior, if I had never been broken, I would not be who I am today.
And we are all so much more beautiful, compassionate, brave, and strong because we have known pain and weakness. The break could have killed us emotionally, spiritually, or physically, but it has only made us better.
Even if you’re not feeling it today, you are brave, beautiful, and amazingly strong.