Do You Remember?

As a rule, the memory of a Spoonie can be somewhat unreliable. Brain fog is no joke, people.

But try for a moment, to remember what life was like before everything changed. Can you remember a time where you did not need help arising from bed or a chair? Was there a day you can look back on where sleep came easily and you were not nauseated?  Is there a day you can recall when life was easier than it is now? When was the moment everything went downhill?

What happened and why?

If one more person says “everything happens for a reason” or “God only gives you what you can handle” or “it could be worse” I might just lose my mind.

But, could they be right?

If everything does happen for a reason, then that means this is something that has happened to me. This life, these illnesses, this mess that I am currently drowning in is something that has happened to me. I don’t remember the exact moment everything changed in my life. But I do remember the brief years between the completion of chemotherapy and the beginning aching of my joints. I remember working 60+ hours a week and going to University and shopping with my friends. I recall drinking and studying (I don’t recommend this particular mixture), and dancing and laughing. I also remember falling down stairs (clumsiness has always been a pretty strong part of my personality), and the first time someone identified my back pain as sciatica. My memories come in flashbacks of what feels like a different lifetime. But it’s me. And these are things that happened. 

If everything happens for a reason, and God is giving me what (He thinks) I can handle… not only does God think I’m a bad ass, but what has happened to me has probably been His doing. I can interpret this in one of two ways…. I can join the “God is an asshole, why would He do this to me?!” camp… or I can join the “God knows what He is doing and I am going to fight the battle he has enlisted me in” camp. I’m going to decline to share the camp I am leaning towards. I am keeping my beliefs to myself because they are personal to me and my journey. If you’d like to discuss religion or anything else with me please feel free to email me at chronicallycourtney@gmail.com.

If it could be worse, and it always could, does it really help to point that out? This may be the one I find hardest to hear because I believe it is the least helpful. This comment usually gets spouted off when the person on the receiving end is at their weakest. Spoonies generally tend to hold their feelings in and not show how much pain they’re in so when we actually do confide in you and share our agony, this is the exact opposite of what we’d like to hear. We are really just looking for a supportive ear and an open heart and this response feels like we’re weak and selfish for complaining. We are all fighting hard battles and we are all just walking each other home. It is in everyone’s best interest to be kind while we journey.

I know this post kind of went wayward but I am feeling many feelings tonight, and I hope that you can bear with me here.

I don’t know what happened along the way… I know where I am now and I am thankful for it.

I am more compassionate, forgiving, and humble than before. I used to think cancer was the worst thing that could happen to me and now I know that is not true.

This might not make sense, but I enjoy life more now even though it is more challenging. I try to be present in the good times and not take them for granted. I become in love with good days and good people and good food. I never expected life to turn out this way but it did, and I am grateful for every minute I get to spend with my husband that spoils me and my nephew that has enriched my life every second I’m his aunt.

Do I remember the moment my life changed? Not exactly.

Do I know where I will end up? Not even a little bit.

But I have A Life That’s Good.

Love,

Courtney

Courtney

Courtney

Hey! My name is Courtney and I am a wife, a mom to a pup and cat, and I just happen to have a few chronic illnesses that have drastically changed my life. I've gained a brand new perspective of life and who I want to be while I face these new challenges. I am so excited about this new phase and meeting fellow Chronic Warriors! Please join me! Love and Gentle Hugs xx Courtney

2 thoughts to “Do You Remember?”

  1. I loved reading this post. It is so amazingly accurate! I was raised ‘religiously’, so I’ve always been surrounded by people who use phrases like ‘God gave this to you for a reason’ or ‘God doesn’t give us more than we can handle!’ The ironic thing about that last one, and I’ve always loved this, is that those same people almost always say, at some point, that they couldn’t imagine living like I do. That they could never do it. Like I somehow chose to be this way, fighting every day for some semblance of a life. Firstly, you don’t know what you’re capable of until you have to find out. Secondly, I thought your comments were meant to be empowering?? But that’s why I got this tattoo on my wrist; its Tibetan caligraphy, and it means ‘Everything Happens For A Reason’. Less a reminder that this isn’t all for nothing, although I do believe I’m not going through this for the hell of it, but a reminder that the things that people are say are usually coming from a place of ignorance! I used to be one of them, so how can I blame them for not understanding? They don’t know what to say to me anymore, so they chose meaningless words to try to make me feel better. I see my tattoo and I remember not to get frustrated. They can’t ever fully comprehend my circumstances, but that’s ok, because who knows better than ME what this is like and what I can handle?? First time reading a blog post from you – I follow you on IG as livinglovingw.

    1. Thanks for checking out my site! I totally get what you mean- I was raised “religiously” as well and sometimes I find it harder than others. Sending love your way! 🙂

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