Good Morning, Lovies!
I have an appointment with my surgeon in about 3 hours. He will tell me if I need another surgery.. or he will tell me that there’s nothing he can do for me. I’m not sure which option scares me more.
Last night was the hardest one in a while. There were not enough medications to keep my pain stable and tears were unstoppable.
I’m sure that was due to a mix of stress and the oncoming rain… but either way I am not doing so hot today. Amidst the pain and anxiety my emotions have been all over the place and my brain is beginning to think things I do not want to deal with at the moment.
I think the only way to accept the situation and feelings is to share them- because I doubt I’m alone in them.
Things I Don’t Want to Say (but are there so I should deal with them)
The fears of the future are many. What will my life look like? Will I be able to use any of the education I fought so hard to earn? Will I succumb to the pain? Will my heart or liver give out first? Will I ever be able to have and care for children? Will I live in this amount of pain for the rest of my life, and if so, can I really continue living like this? Will my husband get sick of being a caretaker instead of a partner? Will my family grow tired of my inconsistency and inability to be counted on? Will I take a backseat in my own life? Am I barely going through the motions and letting life pass me by because I’m in too much pain to really live?
I am scared. Every day. But I am living with purpose now. I am living with the intent of inspiring others to own their fears and to live great, purposeful lives in spite of them. But I must walk the walk if I’m going to talk the talk. So every time I fall and let pain or fear win, I jot down things to write about. I encourage you to do the same. If writing isn’t your passion then go ahead and find it! Paint, colour, read, what have you. Don’t let your pain and fear be for nothing! Let your voice be heard! Stay strong. You guys are giving me the strength to go on! <3