Shhhh

I wish I could tell you that everything is fine and nothing hurts today. But that would be a lie.

It’s hard to explain that I can feel every single bone, ligament, tendon, and nerve in my body. But I can.

You don’t want to hear about how I can hear every sound in this room, from the lights buzzing to the photocopier running. But I can hear them all, and they feel like daggers in my head and ears.

If I could describe to you how scary it is to lose things you once took for granted, from your memory to your independence, to your ability to walk, would you believe me? Because I’m terrified every day.

I wish I could tell you that this is something that would get better in time, but I don’t want to get your hopes up. Or my own.

It’s hard to explain to you, and everybody else who asks, why I’m not at work today. It’s hard to explain it without crying or breaking down.

You don’t want to hear that something else is wrong or hurting, or breaking, because it’s overwhelming and you feel helpless. But something else hurts every day and I can’t stop it, either.

If I could describe to you how scared I am, because some days it’s all so horrible I want to die, would it help you or I? Would you want to hear it? Would you have me locked away?

 

Courtney

Courtney

Hey! My name is Courtney and I am a wife, a mom to a pup and cat, and I just happen to have a few chronic illnesses that have drastically changed my life. I've gained a brand new perspective of life and who I want to be while I face these new challenges. I am so excited about this new phase and meeting fellow Chronic Warriors! Please join me! Love and Gentle Hugs xx Courtney

2 thoughts to “Shhhh”

  1. Ah yes I know these bad days. You get tired of people asking because you get tired of telling them because it always seems like a complaint. You wonder some days what is really normal and if you’re going crazy. And how is it that some days every little sound is amplified! Dear man is chewing on something but it’s like he’s doing it into a microphone. The cable box buzzes even though it’s not on, I swear some days I could hear a gnat sneeze. These are the kinds of days I choose to spend in bed watching my trash tv with my snuggle pup and looking through magazines…unless meds knock me out. I have to remind myself tomorrow is a new day. Every day I try to at least sit outside for a few minutes. It helps.
    You’re not alone. And tomorrow is a new day. ❤️

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! I am happy someone else relates to what I’m saying, even though the situation does suck it’s good to know you’re not alone! Sending love your way xo

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